You might recognise the scenario: the other person is telling you that there is a problem but, however hard you try, you don’t seem to be able to fix it.
It’s extremely frustrating when this happens. Although it certainly isn’t exclusive to relationships, it’s most common between partners. In effect, the problem that is being raised is masking a deeper problem. So whatever you do to address the visible problem, you’re only ever treating the symptom. You need to identify the underlying cause, and treat that.
This can be complicated by the fact that often the other person isn’t consciously aware of what’s going on either. They may genuinely believe that the symptom they’re talking about is the whole problem.
Let’s give you an example.
Your partner complains that you don’t do enough housework. So, being helpful and wanting a smooth relationship, you either start doing more round the house, or you rationally talk through why this is difficult (your long hours at work, for example). Your partner agrees, but the problem doesn’t go away – or maybe it shifts a bit. Next time perhaps you don’t do your share of the washing up, or tidying the garden, or shopping.
As soon as you realise the problem isn’t going away – either it just displaces slightly, or it keeps reappearing despite you thinking you’ve addressed it – that’s the point when bells should go off in your head. Or lightbulbs, because this should be an ‘Aha!’ moment. It should trigger the realisation that the problem your partner is describing is not the real problem.
And generally, the issues in question are like an iceberg. The visible problem is being discussed, but below the waterline there’s a much bigger problem lurking. That’s your baby. That’s the one you need to grapple with.
In the example I’ve just given, almost always the real issue is that your partner feels taken for granted. And just because you’ve started vacuuming around occasionally doesn’t mean the problem’s gone away. You addressed the problem they raised – the housework – but not the underlying cause of the problem.
You see, if your partner feels valued, they won’t care who does the most ironing. They’ll know you appreciate what they do, and that you’re contributing in other ways. The housework thing really isn’t the point. You need to consider the whole question of how to help your partner feel valued. That’s the biggie. The housework might be one small part of that – but actually, if you can resolve the underlying cause, you may well find it stops mattering who does which bits of cleaning and cooking and shopping.
Below the waterline there’s a much bigger problem lurking.
By: Richard Templar
Richard Templar is the author behind The Rules of People, out now, published by Pearson, priced £10.99. Find more information here!
