Managing Expectations at Your Dinner Party
What’s the worst thing anyone has ever done at your house? Yes, kids aside? No, we’re not sure either.
But according to 47% of Britons, rising to 56% among the over-65s, the number one thing we expect from our guests is for them to turn up on time. A new survey by furniture giant DFS asked 2,000 adults about their expectations as hosts, and the results reveal that tardiness is the number one bugbear. Followed by people not bringing anything to drink with them.
In many ways we’re not surprised where the cards have fallen on this one – it’s hard to plan for dinner let alone activities if people are going to show up an hour after you ask, or even 30 minutes. It’s not OK, unless there’s a very good reason, or you’re having a party-party and times are looser. And, of course, bringing something to drink is a nice way to make a contribution, a gesture that actively improves the experience for everyone by expanding tastes and increasing choice. Or at least just making sure the wine doesn’t run out.
Third on the list of our most common expectations of guests is for them to take their shoes off, which is equally understandable. As body language and behavioural expert Adrianne Carter explains, “taking your shoes off when you enter a home is a polite gesture… showing respect for the host’s personal space and helping to keep it clean. My top tip is to always offer to take your shoes off as you enter the home because even if the host says to keep them on, they’ll be pleased with your offer.”
Having advised the likes of Apple, Coca-Cola, Samaritans and The National Gallery on human behaviour and in particular body language, working everywhere from Japan to the US, Carter clearly understands a lot about how we communicate and act, and how others perceive us in return. So it’s best we listen to her. Especially when it comes to the fourth and fifth most common expectations we have of our guests: for them to help clean up, and bring some food.
Both seem to be asking a lot, unless it’s a barbecue, bring-a-dish or dancing and drinking-focused party. In which cases we’d assume people were bringing some bits with them because they had been asked to, and if they’re still there at the end of the night an age-old social law applies — stragglers lend a hand clearing the mess. But apparently 13% of people in the survey said they would expect people to bring food in any instance, rising to 20% among 18-34-year-olds, showing this attitude is most prevalent among younger demographics compared with older older folks whose greatest concern is timeliness.
Interestingly, in comparison to all this, what we turn up looking like seems to be almost irrelevant. Only 11% of respondents said they would expect a guest to dress up and look the part before turning up at their home. So much for British formality, then. If this study is much to go off apparently the country is all about laidback, casual gatherings, where clothes are less important than manners.
Of course, there is a big factor here that’s arguably more important than whether or not you put the dishes away next time you’re at someone’s house for dinner (even if that’s usually more hindrance than help because you don’t know where the pans/cutlery/crockery lives). Simply put, if you want specific rules to be adhered to, it’s vital that you stipulate these up front, rather than expecting people to act in a certain way and then holding it against them when they don’t. Not only will transparency save time, confusion and upset, giving people a heads-up as host is actually good manners. And nobody wants to eat with a hypocrite.