Just a couple of days ago my friend asked me a question I hear girls ask all the time. I’ve never really thought about how ridiculous it is. I’ve even asked it myself. Oh yea, that question? “Is that too…needy?” We ask this question in various ways. We ask if we’re clingy, crazy, too intense, too emotional. We ask our friends to read over text messages we want to send away to our boyfriend or to the one we like. We want to play it cool, to seem chill, to seem like we’re okay with keeping it casual. However, most of the times, we’re not.
A lot of the time I feel like what girls are worried about is in fact not needy at all. I hear people wondering if asking where a relationship is going is too needy after they’ve been sleeping with someone for a month, this is crazy! We have to stop thinking this way.
Why is this happening? I don’t know about the rest of the world, but on my small college campus here in the US, just above New York City, there is a culture of “casual hookups.” People have one-night flings (of course) and there are definitely people in relationships, but the most prevailing pattern is the “it’s not a relationship” relationship. In this “relationship” scenario, the couple hook up frequently and probably hang out often as well. But they’re not dating (no way!) and he isn’t her boyfriend. They’re just keeping it casual and seeing where it goes.
It feels wrong to say this, but from what I have seen, 99% of times in a heterosexual pairing, the guy asks for this—or doesn’t ask, but drops hints to his female partner, or says “you’re cool with it, right?” And, of course, she feels she has to say yes because she probably likes him. Otherwise she would not sleep with him, am I right? And if she says anything else he’ll probably dismiss her as needy or crazy, and talk about her that way with his friends.
But it’s really not needy or crazy to want to discuss where a relationship—and any time two people are sleeping together and spending time together, it IS a relationship of some kind, even if you also want to keep it relaxed. What needs to happen is an end to feeling that open communication (which is sometimes all the “crazy” person wants) is asking too much of someone.
So how can we approach open communication with a partner, especially at the beginning?
—Be honest. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be afraid to tell someone what you need and feel.
—Use “I” statements. Like last week’s tips for talking with a friend, it’s best to keep your statements in the realm of your needs and requests. “I know that I need a more stable situation” is much better than “You need to commit!”
—But, don’t be afraid to ask what they think or want. Ask where they see your partnership going—it’s much better to have this on the table than to continue seeing each other without ever speaking about it.
—In general: Communication feels scary, vulnerable, and risky at first, but it is always the way to keep a relationship healthy and happy.
—And remember: You are not needy, crazy, insecure, or overly emotional for wanting to talk. Don’t let anyone tell you differently!
Until next week,
xoxo,
Vanessa
